Ladies aren’t you fed up with the generalization that whenever you feel angry, headachy, tearful, moody or lacking in sex drive you are told… “It must be your hormones.” One woman tried asking her gynecologist about hormones and would you believe what his answer was? ‘Don’t ask me. I’m not very good on that sort of thing.’ This is unacceptable! Women want to understand what’s going on in their bodies, especially when their libido is on the down slope and their hormones are not in harmony. But what’s the real deal on hormones and libido? And how is the libido crisis portrayed in men and women.
Throughout history the libido has revealed itself in many historical wars and through the binding of men. When the libido of men is high and is not channeled through transcendental sexual practices, men create excuses to go to war. When this potent fire of dormant vital life force known as Kundalini-energy is untransmutted, it is externalized as aggression.
Sex and aggression also manifest themselves in the formation of brotherhoods between men. In more dynamic, fiery activities men share their problems and experiences, and bond with other men. Among the Pueblo Indians of New Mexico, for example, initiation rites revolve around masturbation of a single selected male who is held in great honor. Circumcision rites of some African tribes are closely linked to concepts of brotherhood. And according to authors Douglas & Slinger in their book, Sexual Secrets, “Islam is one of the more recent cultures that revolve around the desire to externalize sexual energy. The brotherhood of Islam lost track of the original emotional, mystic craving of its principal prophet, Muhammad. Over the course of history its women came to bear the burden – from its long-established custom of relegating women to a subservient role.
Wars often evolve from the need to express sexual aggression externally. Men express their aggression through the need to fight, to battle, to declare war. Consequently, America is having a libido crisis – literally! Libido as described by Freud refers to emotional cravings that prompt any specific human and (especially sexual) activity. The libido is the sex drive, the blend of fire and water as in the “fire coursing through the blood.” Most times the word libido is associated with women revealing contradictions on the cultural belief that females have low libido than men. The word as created by Freud indicates that libido describes not just sexuality but any specific human activity.
A woman ducking out of sex, the headache thing, “is as American as apple pie,” says Weiner-Davis. It’s a staple of every comedian’s routine. However, where we once thought that low libido was a woman’s thing, the tables are turning and men are becoming disinterested. Today more men are angry with their wives because as one man puts it, “My wife is too critical of me. She finds fault in everything I do and this makes me feel bad. Another complains, “My wife lost her sex appeal after the birth of our child.” Both lost the desire to be near their wives.
Women are getting on their husbands cases and certainly not getting into their pants. Though women know the language of change, they are not asking for it, but instead are “bitching”. But why are they bitching? There’s got to be an underlying reason.
A reader of mine expresses, “My libido has been low for the past couple of years but now it is very low. The only time I am able to relax and really be free with my husband is when I’ve had a couple of drinks. I do not like to drink because my Mother was an alcoholic and died of alcohol related diseases. So we may have relations a couple of times a month, maybe once a week but rarely.
Often when a woman is blaming her hormones for her lack of desire, close check-up of the relationship will uncover all sorts of strains, stresses, and anger. If she is frustrated because her man is never romantic to her, or never takes her out, or never thanks her for a beautifully cooked meal, or always expects her to take responsibility for contraception, it’s not surprising that she doesn’t feel like rewarding him in bed. She’s losing interest.
What once used to be sex every other day becomes a chore once a week, a month, if any at all, if we don’t keep the flame burning. What’s missing? Fun, play, relaxation and the sensual moments of pleasure are lacking. As well, the holistic changes expressed through the physical changes during midlife also comes with its demands and adjustments that must be understood. Since we cannot absolutely attribute “lack of sex drive” to hormones – and there is very little hormone treatment available even if we could – perhaps we need to look at the problem another way and ask new questions.
The pathetic fact is that majority are bored in your relationship, or tired, or feeling resentful towards their partner. When we are fresh in love, we have no problems with libido. In fact, we often feel eternally “in heat”! Our juices flow creatively and sexually and we feel heavenly. (There are a few women who have no desire in the early stages of a relationship usually due to psychological issues around allowing themselves pleasure through sex but as a general rule – the heat is on!)
Think of the zeal that arises when you first start a relationship. Everything is new and exciting and the brains are totally stimulated. Perhaps the answer to low libido is to work on the brain – (the most important sexual organ) – then the hormones will follow – to bring the combustion into our sex drives. An orgasm alone brings forth the hormonal release of the brain chemicals dopamine and oxytocin. Perhaps we need to change our minds and modify our lifestyles in order to elevate our sexual hormones to a healthy level.
Is loss of sex drive a hormonal problem? The jury is still out on that one! Be aware of a barrage of publicity on how testosterone or drugs can ‘cure your lack of libido. And be open to other natural alternatives. Incidentally, after writing the original draft of this article the news came out on the testing of a Viagra like drug for women that is supposed to boost the female libido. The drug will be prescribed in coming months to UVA women. The question is how will this affect the sexual lives of women in the 21st century?
The next time you are concerned with the loss of libido – be you man or woman -add some fresh romance to your old relationship. Exercise your mind sexually – read erotic stories and think sexy thoughts. Feed your senses. Get enough sleep – fatigue is the biggest enemy of libido. Implement a healthier diet and lifestyle if you have weight or health problems. Chart your monthly cycle to determine your sexy days and exploit them – make love during those sexy moments of the month! Smoked salmon sandwiches, avocado and lobster salad, fruits w/whipped cream, a bottle of wine – or a tub filled with Jell-O. Ship the kids to grandma or a friend’s house.